October 25, 2016.
I wanted to let those close to me know what’s been going on.
I was in a really bad spot inside of myself trying to manage depression and anxiety without any help from myself. It’s been through making healthier choices about therapy and medicine that I’ve been able to become a friend to myself.
The magazine, inside of that bad spot, really did only reflect myself… I was using the guys I wanted to be, or felt looked a lot like me, to get the validation I needed to be getting from myself.
When people gave criticism about a platform that was supposed to showcase us all but was stuck on myself… I took it horribly personally. Naturally. Because they were versions and pieces of myself.
I took quite a bit of time off from here, from the magazine, from toxicity I had in my life, and I took the time I desperately needed to give myself to heal. To forgive myself for being trans. To let the medicine and therapy and security of my friends and family kick in.
I thought I was going to give up the magazine. In my lowest times of this process, I even thought about not finishing out the subscriptions. I couldn’t even sit at my desk without having a serious panic attack. (This is why the October issue isn’t out yet).
It took time and honesty with myself to realize on a concrete level what had to happen with the magazine. How it should be a platform for voices and not just voices like my own. One of those learning moments best taught by experiences and self reflection.
I’m back at this for all of those that supported me with their kind words… But I’m also back at this for those that tried to tell me I was wrong and I didn’t listen to. For their honesty and their unconditional support for their community as a whole and not just those that also looked like them. For the voices of those less heard who stood up and said they weren’t being heard, and the courage that came with that.
I know I can’t do this by myself… I’ve been able to admit that and ask for help. More points of view, in writing and team work, is going to be what’s right with this community and not what divides us further.
Please consider writing for FTM Magazine. The process of being published is as easy as I could get it, and aside from those that could rework their work a bit, nothing and no one is turned away.
©2016 by Jason Ballard and The Tangent Group.
